Why I donโ€™t try harder

I donโ€™t have the patience for publishing 
or the ethos for esoterica. Every primate
and pack species engages in some form
of politics, and every politician engages
in some form of escapismโ€”like speaking
from the gut, accepting blowjobs from people
other than their spouses, delusion dripping
from their brows while addressing a crowd
of citizens cheering for something, anything
new to happen, et cetera. Yesterdayโ€™s news
is no longer breaking, just broken, and we
the people still have something to shout
about after all these years. We continue
to live like animals, yet curate the crumbs
of our lives to look like machine-generated
images of whoever the hell weโ€™re supposed
to be based on philosophies we abandoned
decades ago. I liked church for the collective
off-pitch singing and the cookies served
after the sermon but didnโ€™t appreciate how
the priest was the only one who ever spoke.
Did you know that tumors metastasize faster
in lonely people? I wouldโ€™ve liked any brain
except the one that writes these poems.
I wouldโ€™ve liked any body except the one
that hoards scars like they mean something.
If they mean anything at all, itโ€™s just that we
carry the past with us always, and the present
is both distorted and determined by the long
history of life on earth, which is to say the long
history of life itself. We didnโ€™t need a bigger
parking lot, just clean water and maybe one
friend who knew us better than we knew
ourselves. Remember the school teachers
who tried to open doors instead of lock them?
Remember all the awful things you said?
I think if I were to start a business, Iโ€™d only hire
morning people. Weโ€™d gather under the early
dark sky and watch the sun paint the horizon
pink, then blue. Look, Iโ€™m not trying to glorify
anything, Iโ€™m just saying, not every land
is Disneyland, and sometimes home is more
of a feeling than a placeโ€”out of necessity, yes,
but also because of the stories we like to tell
ourselves and others about where we belong.

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